When a marriage fails

I just returned from a premarital counseling appointment that was a blessing. It feels good to be involved in a couples life when you believe that their marriage will be a success. As a pastor I see too often those that do not succeed. Did you know that the divorce rate among those that attend church is the same as those that do not? It's sad to think that 50% of all marriages will fail. What happens to cause this? Where are we missing the point?

In my years of experience I have noticed that a marriage will fail in most cases because of one of about 4 reasons. At the top of the list is "communication". Without good communication everything else is sure to be a struggle. Now I do not mean just hearing the other person speak their mind. I mean actually communicating your feelings and desires. Actually working at making sure that each one in the relationship understands what their mate is going through and what they really want in life. Even in "Christian" marriages I still see partners guessing what their mate is thinking or wanting. Maybe we should just read Ephesians 5 again and start to practice it. If you're reading this and your married, "Talk to your mate".

The other reasons I see marriages fail is because of either,
Money:
Religion:
Sex:
You can have problems in these areas and still work through them if you have good communication. If on the other hand you do not, then it's going to be an up hill battle.
Money: The problems I see in couples that revolve around money are usually because of debt, lack of a budget and lack of a financial plan. In our current financial situation in the United States this issue should be very clear. When you live beyond you income and plan on paying for debt with income from tomorrow you are asking for trouble. This is the kind of stress that will kill a marriage. Stress will suck the life out of everything around you, including your health and the health of your marriage. The lack of proper money management is a constant source of stress that will not go away with the next raise. It will not go away by winning the lottery or getting that inheritance. We simply find a way to spend what we have and mismanage it along the way no matter if we have little or much. It's the management of it that makes the difference. Dealing with money from a biblical perspective is in my opinion the best way. To oversimplify it let me say this.
#1. Stay out of debt and cut up those credit cards. THEY ARE ROBBING YOU OF YOUR FUTURE!
#2. Make a budget and do everything to stick to it. I just wish our government would do the same.
#3. Plan for the future. How will you deal with the money issues of sicknesses or disasters? They are coming you know.
#4. Discuss your finances on a regular basis with your mate. This is how you pay to live on this earth. Might be a good idea to keep the communication flowing, unless you just want to surprise your mate with the news that you are really in more debt than they thought. Not good for your marriage or physical well being.

Sex: This is the area that most people will not talk about to anyone. Not their pastor, friend, counselor, or even their mate. It is however the most powerful of issues in any marriage. It's not just the physical act that I'm talking about. It's the need to love and be loved and then the ability to express it. Everyone wants to be loved and to be able to love someone else in return. The struggle comes in the process of expression. This is why sex outside of marriage can be so destructive. The expression of love through the act of sex is supposed to be a special and intimate act of the deepest level. If that expression becomes anything less or worse, a sport to be enjoyed, you have opened up a floodgate of potential problems. This is why it's common knowledge that relationships change as soon as sex comes into the picture. If in a marriage there is a problem in the area of sexual activity, I can promise you that there is poor communication.
I have used a book by Gary Chapman called "The Five Love Languages" for years. I highly recommend it. It's not a sex book but more of a communication book that does touch on sex or intimacy and how we view and value it. I have found that people get married because they love someone. Problems arise in the area of sexual expression in a large part because people forget or never learn how to communicate those feelings in a way that their mate will understand. At the beginning of the problems we still love but can not figure out why we are struggling in expressing it. The arguments are usually misunderstandings that grow into huge problems that become harder to deal with.
Religion: This is the area where there is more confusion than one would think. I'm not simply talking about making sure that both the husband and wife are "Christians". Obviously, in my view that would be best. However, I'm talking about something slightly different. I'm sure I'm going to get some replies on this point. What I'm talking about are your life's values. It's the basic truths that you will not let go of even to the point of death. It's those truths that are at the very core of your view of life. This is where you could have a couple in a marriage that are both "Christian" and yet still struggle with "Religion". If your view is different from your mate and you believe that your view is the "Right" view, this could become a problem. How will you deal with grief when it comes to your door? Will your mate respond in the same way you do? How will you deal with the response of your mate when you do not agree with the way they are dealing with the same grief you are dealing with? Your "Life's Values" or "Religion" will play a huge role in your response to the struggles of life. Pain, disappointment, failures, death, sickness and struggles are a part of all of our lives. How will you respond when they come? Will you even be able to understand your mates response?

How can we overcome these issues to have a better chance to be successful in marriage? I propose that the key is Jesus Christ. When two people join their lives together and make their faith is Jesus Christ active in their marriage, their chance of survival sky rocket. When two people who are changing over the years find out that they have both been growing toward the same goal, they find that they have more in common late in life than they did when they were just married. I have found that couples that come to me for crisis marriage counseling are NOT doing the following:
Praying for their mate to be all that God wants them to be.
Working on communicating their needs and also understanding the needs of their mate.
Actively pouring their lives into others so they can experience growth.
Making their faith the central point in their marriage.
Regularly reading their bibles.
Communicating with their mate what God is doing in their lives and marriage.

You can even in this current cultural climate, divorce proof your marriage. Willing to put it to a test? Work on these areas and my bet is that you will not cross my door for crisis marriage counseling. I'll give you a money back guarantee on it. Give it try and I'll bet you will see an improvement before you know it.

Just my thoughts on it.

Pastor Paul